A User’s Guide to the Novel Virus

Be Comforted

No lesser authority than the President of the United States of America has declared: Coronavirus is a hoax

It’s a Democrat hoax.

Fake news.

PANIC

You’ll never be lonely

You need 15 minutes within one metre of an infected person to contract the virus: therefore, book a short appointment with your doctor, undress in the car, and get out of there within 14 minutes.

Same advice applies to dentist, physio, chiro, osteo, and sex worker.

Do you know whether or not you actually have COVID-19?

Your doctor doesn’t know either.

To can find out without a test kit, just book an extended appointment.

Unfortunately during lockdown you will be unable to pay any bills.

Only kiss your enemies. The worse you like them, the better you should kiss them.

An Inlet, a Lagoon


In a tsunami of reports about health, that arrive in an age of anxiety,

in a rising ocean of uncertainty

that’s inundating our islands of calm, while families driven from Idlib watch their babies freezing to death for want of shelter,

as oil becomes cheap,

as savings are savaged,

as panic feeds on panic,

as the old lack all words to comfort,

as the young tremble for the future,

as the future overtakes the moment –
some thing good,

some moment of balm, some relief, an inlet, a lagoon of quiet joy:
this baby this entire new person this changer of lives
three kilograms and a handful of grams – of life

make her great-grandmother squeal

and squeal again, and again

with astonishment

Nana, surely you know by now, babies are born!

Nana, you had two of your own,

They each had three of their own, The day came when those six

Brought forth babies of their own.

Nana, why do you squeal,

what’s to astonish an old lady of ninety-three?

A baby, that’s to astonish

That’s to amaze, to heal, to comfort, to inspire,to thank God –

and to love.

Something Old, Something New

Two epidemics: Covid-19 and Community Panic Disorder.

We are feeling our way. This is new territory for all. The last time was in 1919, when the epidemic of Spanish Flu came, burned itself out and left scarsin memory. It’s those same scars, and earlier ones, back to the Black Death and beyond, that we are feeling now. In 1919 we needed someone to blame: that time it was the Spanish, this time the Chinese.


New experiences every day, new government edicts, new behaviours. Our governments are leading, not following public opinion. This blog has never before found anything kind to say about our governments. (I missed an opportunity to praise our leaders for the National Disability Insurance Scheme.) I offer praise now. According to the experts in public health, those appointed to advise government, no-one in power is playing politics with their advice. Government offices send daily bulletins to doctors, bringing us up to date. We are segregating corona suspects from non-contagious patients.We’re doing this methodically and with sensitivity. Contingency planning for various crisis scenarios is advanced. The planning has been rapid, decisive, bold. The War on Drugs has not made us safe; the War on Terror has made us less free; but the War against COVID-19 makes sense to me.

What have we learned? The Coronavirus numbers suggest the following: Infectivity is high, mortality is low. COVID-19 is easily caught and generally safely survived. If you are old your risks are higher.If you are a child or a baby your chances seem better. This is unexpected and so far unexplained.We can expect the numbers of infected persons in our community to mount and to mount further. So far Australians are far, far likelier to encounter a person with influenza than coronavirus infection.

What follows?

I think it’s a numbers game.

Think before you travel.

Don’t go to Iran (corona) or to Syria (bombs).

If your immune system is poor or if you are old, avoid peak hour public transport, avoid mass gatherings, including at your house of worship.

Work from home if you can.

If you develop a fever or flu symptoms, CALL UP YOUR LOCAL DOCTOR before arriving. Don’t just lob.

Don’t read the newspapers. Yesterday the national broadsheet called it the Killer Virus. That is unhelpful and misleading. And of course, irresponsible.

Trust the advice of the Chief Medical Officer.


Be thoughtful about contact with your touching professionals.These are your barber, your manicurist, your physiotherapist, myotherapist, osteopath, chiropractor and sex worker. And your doctor.We professional of touch take the greatest risks and are potentially the most dangerous to you.


Finally, kissing is a high-risk act. Do it only in emergency. Handshaking is forbidden in NSW. Various alternatives have been suggested. One is the mutual forearm grip, where your palm rests on the inside of your shakee’s elbow. Now that we are urging everyone to cough into the elbow recess, this grip offers you the best chance of a handful of fresh snot.

Which Epidemic?

Here are some facts about Australia’s epidemic.
In 2019, Australia had 300,00 proven cases of influenza. The true number of cases was probably in excess of 900,000. (The numbers of cases exceeds the number of tests, because most doctors recognised the flu without sending off swabs for laboratory confirmation. Further, not all flu sufferers saw a doctor.)
Since the start of 2020, there have been 12,713 PROVEN cases of influenza in Australia.

8000 Australians died of influenza in 2019.

In the course of the Vietnam War we lost 521 soldiers killed.
Those are the facts of our true epidemic. In 2019 despite the epidemic, despite the death toll, you could buy toilet paper, you could buy pasta and rice.In 2019 no-one panicked.In 2019 no-one thought of boycotting Chinese restaurants.
In 2019 we had no panic and we had no recession.This year we have a limited outbreak of a viral infection which is less contagious than influenza. Xenophobia comes into full flower.In our formerly happy country we now have an outbreak of racism. Chinese restaurants stand empty.
The swastika flies in Wagga.

Coronapanic

Ever since 9/11, we in the West have lived in a climate of anxiety. I am one who sees much of the anxiety as confected. Leaders have responded to serious events with alarming rhetoric. Our media have obliged with headlines that enhance the ambient anxiety. And unofficial media respond with ungoverned hype. And so we tremble.

The news of the climate ought to alarm our governments more than it does. I think our kids get this right.

The economy has gone to the bathroom and hasn’t returned.

And now this. By this I mean THIS. I mean the Coronavirus outbreak.

No-one but a fool would say there’s no cause for concern. We know that; we’ve heard that from the fool in the White House.

In Anatomy, the corona is the rim around the glans penis (aka the nob). We know who the nob is.

Is there reason to panic? Many have decided they should panic. Supermarkets are crowded, while the shoppers in Collins Street have thinned.

No-one knows how serious the coronavirus epidemic will become. This blog will report on what it sees. In my clinic some patients are seeking advance prescriptions in case medications become unavailable. If/when this becomes common, medications will certainly become scarce

I close with two modest predictions: firstly that panic will feed on panic; secondly, that this blog will pop up on your screens more frequently.

If on a Hot Day you Left your Baby in the Car…


If you smoked heavily inside the house in the same room as your asthmatic toddler…

If you left your loaded firearm within reach of your depressed adolescent child…

If you shot up heroin in the presence of your young child…

If you drove your car with a belly full of grog and your children unrestrained… 

If you engaged in exhibitionist sex in the presence of your children…

If you encouraged your underage child to join you in heavy drinking or drug taking…

If you were unable to control your anger, if you belted your spouse, if you treated your child violently…

you probably wouldn’t be surprised to win the disapproval of the Authorities. 

Any penalty would not astonish. 

If the child were removed from your care you’d get it.

Whyif your face is buried always in your phone while your child needs your presence, your care, your engagement –

–      should you be surprised if Child Protection intervened?

Of course that intervention won’t occur.

Working at the children’s hospital, walking in the streets, travelling on the train, I see a generation of adults outsourcing parenting to the i-pad. 

I see adults, adolescents and children engaging not with each other but with the screen. 

I see human connection attenuated and distorted. 

I see and I worry.

Perhaps I see too much.

At This Point in Time

The Chief Cabin Attendant said, At this point in time please switch to Aeroplane Mode.

It was all good so I did.

He explained, At the end of the day it’s a matter of passenger safety.

Although it was morning here in Melbourne, it would certainly be the end of the day somewhere.

By evening, the Officer would be correct.

But the end of the day would be a quite different point in time. At the present time, I asked, should I switch off Aeroplane Mode?

It is what it is, he replied.

I thought about that. The ology appeared taut. I told the Officer I’d stick with Aeroplane Mode.

Awesome, he said. It’s all good, he said.

I thought about Coronavirus. I thought about Syria. I thought about drought and bushfires. 

I decided to stop thinking. 

I looked forward to the end of the day. At that point in time it would be bedtime.

The Cruelty of Children


 

My elder brother is six. He goes to school and I stay at home. I stand inside the front gate and wait for him at lunchtime. Our front gate is a loose mesh of plaited green wire. It’s not so much a barrier as a hint of private property. I stand inside the gate and wait.

 

 

Some merry schoolgirls approach, big kids of six or seven.

Hello little boy, says one. What’s your name.

Howard.

Poke out your finger, little boy.

I poke my finger out through a gap in the gate..

Suddenly my fingertip hurts.

Ow! – I yell.

I catch a glimpse of a pin in the hand of the girl who told me to poke out my finger. The girls all laugh loudly.

The speaker finishes laughing and says again, Put out your finger, little boy.

No. You’ll hurt it again.

No I won’t. Put out your finger. Nothing bad will happen.

I poke out my finger.

It hurts again.

I start to cry as the girls laugh loudly again, and run down the street, past the Catholic Church, in the direction of the Courthouse.

 

 

 

Every afternoon we swim in the town pool which is filled with water from the irrigation channel in the street outside. The water is warm and brown but it tastes okay. There are lots of leeches in the canal, and plenty of them dine on our blood while we swim in the pool. We learn to catch them; there’s a simple technique which we master quickly.

 

What to do with a captured leech?

 

You find a bobby pin on the ground near the Girls’ Changerooms and you thread the leech onto the pin, inserting it in the leech’s back end. This turns the leech inside out.

 

What to do with an inside-out leech?

 

 

The walls of the change rooms are built of galvanized iron. Those tin sheds heat up considerably in the summer sun. You press the the everted body of the leech against the hot metal and its mucoid flesh quickly adheres and fries in the afternoon sun.

 

 

 

I don’t remember this, but Mum told me the story often enough:

When she brought her second son into the household, the firstborn, Dennis, loved his baby brother so much he piled all of his toys into the pram on top of the new baby.

 

I’ve seen a photo of that pram, a sizable conveyance constructed of wood panels and wheels as big as those you see on adult’s bike. The pram dwarfs my elder brother captured in the picture, standing next to it.

 

 

As Mum tells the story, Dennis would push the pram in the garden and it would overturn, spilling the baby brother Dennis so much loved onto the concrete path. I gather this happened more than once. 

 

 

 

We travel from Leeton to Melbourne to observe the High Holydays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. We stay at my grandparents’ house, which is big and dark. It’s scary at night. The house has a downstairs and an upstairs.

 

 

A lady comes to the house to clean before the festivals, She hoovers the carpets with her noisy machine. Dennis and I sit on the top stair and watch the lady as she hoovers. Her name, we learn, is Mrs Briggs. One of us discovers Briggs rhymes with pigs.

Dennis and I create a chant:

MISSUS BRIGGS IS A PIGS

MISSUS BRIGGS IS A PIGS

 

The Hoovers sings loudly and we sing too. Mrs Briggs Hoovers on. Now she turns the machine off. She hears us as we sing:

 

MISSUS BRIGGS IS A PIGS

MISSUS BRIGGS IS A PIGS

 

 

Mrs Briggs appears highly annoyed. She tells us to stop.

Dennis and I sing on.  Mrs Briggs grabs the straw broom and rushes up the stairs, waving the broom at us in a violent manner. We retreat and slam the door in her face.

 

 

We stand on the other side of the door, panting and palpitating. Soon we hear the sound of the Hoover.

 

Dennis and I emerge and resume our song.

 

 

 

 

A cat wanders into our garden. It’s a bit smaller than I am. I don’t know the cat. My hand reaches out and grasps the cat’s tail. My hand hoists the cat in the air.

The cat yowls.

I am not used to cat sounds. My hand now swings the cat and the yowling is a siren that follows the Doppler effect.

My mother emerges from the house. Seeing what her small son is doing, she says: Stop doing that, Howard. That’s cruel.

 

I stop doing that.

Mum goes inside.

 

 

My hand reaches out. It grasps the cat’s tail. The hand whirls the cat in a circle, round and around.

The cat yowls.

 

The floods, then the fires


 

 

The rains came, flooding, killing, killing.

Politicians flooded in, a rainbow appeared and the waters receded.

 

God sent Noah the rainbow sign…

 

 

But many forgot. It was easier to forget.

 

 

The fires came early

The fires burned and killed and burned on.

And the good people fought.

Good people were burned, good people died.

More fires started and more, and the land burned.

Politicians flooded in, having returned from holiday.

 

 

City skies filled with soot and smoke that yesterday were tree.

The nation felt sick. 

Many could not breathe.

People became angry. 

Anger smouldering, a national nausea.

We felt ashamed.

 

 

The National Day dawned, and we looked for a leader. All we could see were the signs:

 

 

God sent Noah the rainbow sign:

‘No more water –

The fire next time.’

 

 

 

Lady with a Suitcase

 

 

Wandering lost as usual in the supermarket, I become aware of a voice asking me: Did you touch my suitcase?

The voice is indignant. The speaker is a lady, aged perhaps in her early fifties, wearing a creation in a fruit-salad fabric that clings to her thin body.

I’m sorry, what did you ask me?

Don’t go near my suitcase!

The lady is pointing at something between the bags of rice and her ankles. Indeed there is a suitcase there. It’s on the further side of her. Her body stands in warrior pose, to protect it. I assure the lady I’ve been nowhere near her suitcase.

The lady speaks again: I said I’d have sex with him for two dollars.

She gazes at me, awaiting my response.

I am unsure how to reply.

The lady whirls, yanks her suitcase in a swift pirhouette, and steams away in the direction of the bananas.

 

My cheese costs eight dollars. Two dollars does not seem exorbitant.

 

The supermarket always confuses me.